St. Patrick’s Day


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Happy St. Patrick’s Day hand drawn lettering vector illustration

Riley Walker, Reporter

Whether you are Irish, or just white and violent, you probably love St. Patrick’s Day. What could possibly be better than a holiday exclusively dedicated to drinking and partying? Literally anything else. St. Patrick’s Day has got to be one of the worst holidays ever, if you could even call it a holiday. Most holidays have some sort of significance or deeper meaning, but I can not seem to find a way to spin this day into one of lovely celebration; I just see it for what it is. It is just a fun excuse for people to get drunk and make horrible decisions. Do not even get me started on the putrid shade of green that is plastered over everywhere, it is a total eyesore.

Speaking of the bad decisions that are often made on this day, if you were born on or around December 24, you have the chance of being the result of a particularly fun St. Patrick’s Day. December 24 is a very rare day to be born on though, so not many have to worry about being the result of a drunken hookup. Just imagine being a parent of a St. Patrick’s Day surprise and they ask how you met their other parent, and you have to explain to them that they were just the result of a few too many pints of Guinness. 

As an avid lover of the color green, I have a bone to pick with whoever decided on that nasty shade of green we use for St. Patrick’s Day. There are so many different shades of green that would have been a thousand times better than the “Spring Green” that we use. Why not sage green, olive green, or even forest green for christ’s sake? Why would anyone choose this rancid variant of such a beautiful color, especially when there are so many better, less headache-inducing shades?

The pinching is another reason for my undying hatred for St. Patrick’s Day. Who would want some grubby, booger-picking little kid coming up to you and pinching you with sticky fingers all because you are not wearing green? Why on earth is pinching even an aspect of this “holiday”? What do we gain from digging our fingernails into each other, and why do you only get pinched for not wearing green? 

The history behind St. Patrick’s Day, however, is fairly interesting. St. Patrick was a teenager who was kidnapped and forced into slavery in Ireland. He later escaped and returned back to Ireland despite his past. He is also credited for bringing Christianity to the people of Ireland, and is the reason shamrocks are heavily associated with St. Patrick’s Day. He was able to explain the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit using its leaves.

While the history of this “holiday” is *slightly* redeeming, it cannot distract from the amount of violence surrounding the excessive drinking and partying that accompanies this day. With the staggering amounts of car crashes caused by drunk driving, alcohol poisoning victims, and physical violence, it is a sadist’s dreamland. This petty violence is quickly escalated by the introduction of weapons which lead to many deaths every year due to gun violence, mainly in larger cities. Unless you enjoy watching, or potentially even participating in drunken fistfights, you should steer clear of big cities and popular bars and clubs. 

Although I have an immense hatred for this sorry excuse of a holiday, I wish absolutely no harm upon anyone who celebrates it. If you are going to be celebrating this very dangerous day, please be safe, do not drive under the influence. Hospital bills and funeral costs are far more expensive than any Uber or taxi service could possibly be.