Pool Floatie Review

The Secrets Of the Popular Summer Toys are Revealed


Zoe Marcum, Reporter

“When opportunities float by you, most people ignore them, but if you have a floatie you can grab them,” said Zoe Marcum while trying to think of a way to start this odd story. FLOATIES! They are fun to have and play with but very difficult to get on because they are beautiful creatures who don’t want to be tamed, unless you find your perfect floatie, then it will let you. That’s why I’m here, to tell you about the perfect floaties for your summer fun!

First, we have the classic donut shaped floatie, pretty basic right? Except there is a twist, I will be talking about the tire fire floatie. If you don’t know what that is then you need to go to Walmart and look around or none of these will make sense. I call them the tire fire floaties because if you leave them out in the sun for even ONE GOSH DARN MINUTE, they will be scorching hot to the point where I am almost positive that you could cook things on them. Due to its thickness, no human can tame this wild beast, unless if you have a friend with you then piggyback ride the other person to conquer the portable cooker. Beware of the tire fire floatie, it may look fun on pinterest due to its calm demeanor but in reality you should get a restraining order on it ASAP because it is literally satan.

Second, we have the sun bathing floaties which can be in the shape of food or animals, kind of weird but I’m not the one who designs these things. These floaties are usually meant for sunbathing but if you are a child like me you will play with them like oversized toys for a bathtub. Overall they are really fun and useful for tanning. They are angelic creatures but if you make one wrong move they will undoubtedly turn on you, quite literally.

Last but not least, we have the the pool noodle. Overall the pool noodle is one of the most majestic pool floatie, some may say “it’s not a pooool floatie, it’s a pooool tooooooy” NO its not, you butt! The pool floatie can be whatever it wants, whenever it wants. Due to its flexibility and girth you can easily tame this magical creature and ride it into the sunset with your friend or alone, I don’t judge.

In conclusion, DO NOT GET THE TIRE FLOATIE IT WILL KILL YOU, grab the sunbathing floatie if you want to tan, and always, ALWAYS grab the pool noodle so you can become a big bowl of noodles. I hope these suggestions helped you on finding your perfect pool floatie because it sure helped me knowing I can share my vast knowledge of the unique species. Have a nice summer and very scary adventures!